The Sober Perfectionist

And how this attitude can hinder or help your sobriety.

If you’re newly sober or even if you have been for a while, you may be familiar with that initial realization of how fucked up your life is, how much you have to fix and the blast of energy to suddenly live by all these new healthy habits. Anything is possible now. The world is suddenly beautiful and full of opportunities rather than dark and cynical. Your glass is now half-full (of sparkling water, obviously), and you’re ready to climb Mount Everest. You have this huge rush that your newfound clear head, knowledge of the truth about alcohol, and finally feeling like you’re actually quite healthy, will instantly make you wildly happy and successful.

I still kind of believe this when I think about the little progress I’m making. However, if you’re just sober-curious, take off the rose-coloured glasses because sobriety isn’t as exhilarating as you might think. You get struck with the complexity of life and the hardship of actually dealing with your feelings and frustrations rather than drinking them away. My feelings tell me I can do more. My frustrations make my body sore.

For me, sobriety wasn’t enough. Hell, I barely even think about drinking, drugs or smoking anymore (I quit those on the same day, 2 months ago). Instead, I’m trying to improve other aspects of my life now. I’m trying to be perfect.

I have to eat healthy because I can’t have a drink to ignore my disgust at my poor eating habits. I have all this extra time on my hands and this compulsion to take on the world screams at me to use the time wisely. Like, do yoga every day, go for a walk every night, read a lot, write more, spend lots of time outside, clean the house, etc. It’s actually exhausting but I’m having issues relaxing now, even though I did a whole lot of nothing while I was drinking. I was also hard on myself while I was drinking but mostly and only ABOUT my drinking. So, it makes sense that I’d be hard on myself in every other aspect of life now that I’m sober. That constant perfectionism just won’t go away and it can hinder my sobriety. It can hinder yours too, if you let it.

Being a perfectionist when newly sober isn’t very helpful at all and could possibly send you into relapse. Allowing other defects of character to enter your brain is overriding the need to feel proud of yourself for the changes you have already made. It may help me forget about the alcohol, the drugs, and the cigarettes, but the stress of trying to be perfect sometimes leads to cravings.

And this is where I realize that my decision to drink to excess before, every day, all day, was my inability to deal with stress and that every little thing about life stresses me out, especially my overly ambitious and perfectionist nature.

But taking on the world isn’t even possible for me right now anyway. And to tell you the truth, half the time I’m not being as productive as I’d like because of the high expectations I am setting for myself. My mind floods with a variety of ideas about what I should be doing that stress me out and then I have trouble prioritizing tasks and end up doing nothing instead. I ask myself: yoga or walk, breakfast or writing, reading this book or that book? And I can’t decide on an answer sometimes, which is probably because I should be allowing myself to do nothing instead without feeling guilty about it.

Looking on the bright side, I actually have made so much progress. I am doing yoga nearly every day, long walks, writing, and taking a class on entrepreneurship. I’m learning how to deal with my stress in other ways. It all takes time.

Putting too much effort on being perfect right now will also pull us away from our loved ones, whom we need so bad right now. I heard the quality of your relationships are directly correlated to your happiness, so don’t ignore them while trying to be the person you always wanted to be. You’re already there because you’re sober. Don’t let success replace your relationships because this might send you into relapse later.

In a way though, this motivation for a perfect life can strengthen your sobriety because it’s taking your mind off drinking. Giving your mind some other things to think about and work on is super beneficial. If you’re anything like me, there is nothing more triggering and boring than thinking about sobriety all the time. Plus, gaining new skills, learning, and finally following through with what you said you should be doing, is making you more confident. I’m so confident I don’t need a drink to make me feel that way.

Let’s celebrate feeling excited about life (finally)! Let’s rejoice in the notion that we’re actually going somewhere and stop being so hard on ourselves. We did it, we’re doing it, and everybody is cheering us on.

There is no reason or rush to take on the world right now. Sobriety is essentially the start of my world and perhaps yours too. For a lot of us, nothing else would be possible without getting sober. We need to allow ourselves some time and thank ourselves that success and happiness are even possible for us right now.

So I remind myself to breathe and to take baby steps. I give myself credit for little accomplishments and permission to be lazy sometimes. I trust myself and I trust the process. I know that life is better lived relaxed than uptight anyways, even if I’m not already where I want to be. I know I’m on the way. And I know I’ll never be perfect.

I am sober and I wrote something today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll take on the world.